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start of a new era . . :-) or i ' d like to think so .

i don ' t have that much to write about lol , i ' ve set up my new site and my guestbook , i just need to practice my art and set up my toyhouse . recently i ' ve been feeling a lot better recently . i hit what felt like rock bottom not so long ago , so it ' s nice to have what feels like a breath of fresh air .

i think most of it has to do with getting back into the swing of things , and also thinking about my beliefs and what i truly think , and actually putting them into practice .

i think it started with me praying every once in a while , i had an idea of who god was and who i was praying to , but it was still pretty shaky .

but i was struggling with my identity , i have been for years , and i felt lost . i prayed for something , a sign of anything . i was praying for some sort of name to cling onto and create an identity out of ,  ' since it would be god - given , then i would stick to it more . god himself gave me the name , why would i stray from it ? ' was my thought process , anyway .

but , i got , a sign ? maybe more of a vision , i don ' t think what it was really matters , but what it said . " 0990 " . .

recalling , i ' ve been praying for a name . i was so fucking confused , what does 0990 have to do with me and a name . it was a string of numbers .

i prayed again , and the next day . it came to me , or more of so , god gave me the info . so , let me compare it to something . you know how cattle have those tags on their ears to identify them individually ? in a way , thats what the string of numbers was . it was an identifier . it both makes sense and doesn ' t as to why that was god ' s answer for a god - given name , in a way , it was my name . when i was in heaven , but even the cattles given those tags had names . they wouldn ' t just leave the angels nameless , would they ? is having a name rather than an identifier such a human thing ? is identity a human thing ?

maybe in heaven they don ' t harp on it so much like humans do , i don ' t know .

but anyway , as an angel number , 0990 means , in a short , to spread the light inside you to others , and to be a gift to others . to essentially , be a service to others , in spiritual means or not . while i think it ' s a cute message and maybe i should listen to it , it makes me worry about what that truly means . who am i supposed to be a service to ? everyone ? if this is a fallen world , then whats the point in servicing them ?

if it means to spread the word , how ? i guess that would make more sense but would anyone listen ?

i always think about how this is hell , how there truly is no in between . i used to be scared i think , but after re - adjusting , it ' s not that bad . fallen or not , it doesn ' t make this world a bad place necessarily .

i think at most , what fallen means , from what i know at least , is that it ' s not up to god ' s standards . so like , rejects . it doesn ' t mean that we ' re full of sin and that god hates us or whatever . god just isn ' t watching us , i know that if you reach out to him , and seek him , he will talk to you .

little fun fact actually , some people are just born as fallen souls . not every one starts off in heaven lol . it ' s kind of where the idea of ' new souls ' and ' old souls ' come from . being a new soul just means you were born a fallen soul , old souls would be souls who were in heaven but had fallen for one reason or another .

again . . this doesn 't make those people bad or sinful or what not . . hell isn ' t a bad place , but if you do want to go to heaven , you can .

it ' s not like how much religions , or main stream religions any way , portray it . in heaven , or at least , the section of heaven i was in . any one could just do anything , they could do whatever they wanted , it was quite nice actually , maybe thats why i hate hell . maybe that ' s what makes hell , hell . its the regulations and rules , and not letting us just have animal instincts , even though , here , we are animals .

even with all i know , i don ' t know everything . i don ' t know a lot of things about heaven , or hell really . or even why i am a fallen angel in the first place , i can ' t even really think of why i was an angel .

i have an idea but , whether or not im just projecting my vessel ' s insecurities onto it . i don ' t know . i think to figure it out , i ' d need to disconnect from my vessel . i ' ve recognized this isn ' t my body , but i still stress out about it . i stress out about the people around me , how i act . but that wouldn ' t count as putting my beliefs into practice , so if i just stopped caring and started doing whatever i wanted to do , and not doing things that ' s rooted in insecurity . but anyway .

maybe if i at least explained why i think im an angel , then it wouldn ' t make me feel weird and like i ' m projecting . i could always just pray about it too . i think , he was my dad . if i had to guess based off of , just everything i know about me and just looking in the grand scheme of things . i ' d either have to assume my soul is not that old or i was somewhat coddled , it could be both and i could easily see it being both . but i feel unsure about it .

i think before my spiritual awakening , i think a lot of my life was directed by god , i think a lot of it was . conditioning ? like a lot of it reflected my life in heaven , or somehow reflected me spiritually . he was getting me used to all these topics and things so then when i started my spiritual awakening , then i wouldn ' t be so stressed out by it . it started at a pretty young age so i have to believe he wanted to make sure no one else to persuade me into thinking anything he wanted me to believe was ' wrong ' or ' crazy ' .

for a little short while , when i came back to my spiritual senses . not too long ago , i used to call myself a prophetic visionary fallen angel , which wasn ' t wrong honestly . that is what i am .

but it still sounds crazy to even say , but maybe i got too used to being human . . . i ' ll pray about it .

goodnight everyone ,

november 1st 2025 .