Arlene ' s Essay ; 27 ; 11 ; 25

Hello ! I ' m the host of a plural system , my name is arlene . And this is my , plan to recovery ! Or at least a part of my recovery . So , I ' ve recently been struggling with the development of numerous mental health issues , and I really just want to sort of prepare my mental and brain to be ready to recover . My first step , which unfortunately might take the longest , is to abolish the current part of my mental structure that my brain had created while forming in a traumatic environment . this is a pretty known form of mental structure that is associated with trauma , and it is plurality , or also known as being a system .

if you aren ' t aware of what it is , just to sum it up . it ' s having multiple identities { alters ; alternate identities { while having one body , you obviously don ' t get to choose the identities . Most times , these identities are formed from trauma and are created to help you , and also a part of this mental structure , is dissociation . This can , really happen at any time , it can even be a constant and even include derealization . But it is primarily known to happen while switching alters . Alter ' s can have different memories , personalities , likes , dislikes , and way more . I ' m not going to go more into detail , because this isn ' t something that ' s going to teach you about plurality and being a system , but I am telling you this information just to help you understand what I am going through and experiencing and might explain some of the things i may say .

I also want to clarify , I ' m not diagnosed with anything , nor do I want to be . This is a part of the reason why I ' m saying " plurality " to explain my current mental structure because I don ' t think I need to be diagnosed to know what I ' m going through and what is actively hurting me .

Now , onto , why I want to abolish it . I ' m not in a traumatic time in my life anymore , may traumatic things happen to me again ? Possibly , but I don ' t think it is really necessary to have all these alters and this dissociation and derealization , it isn ' t protecting me at this point , it is actively hurting me and keeping me from being an actual person and achieving things at life . Also , it doesn ' t just hurt me , it hurts a lot of people around me .

So , who is in the system ? Arlene , Sasha , Emmie , Macks , Sean , and Elliot . and one more who is more of a spiritual delema to me , so I ' m not going to bother bringing him into this . I put all the names in the order they were formed , so first is me , the " original part " . Then Sasha , who originally went by Astrid and then Shiloh , she ' s similar to me but she is , an age regressor . She is NOT a little alter , she is aligned with the body ' s age , as so am i . She uses Age regression to cope with trauma and stress , and usually fronts for that reason . Therefor , that ' s her role , and that does mean she does do something that actually helps protects the mind from possible further trauma . Emmie ' s role , is also actually protective . She has always fronted AFTER something traumatic happens , so I would usually stop fronting after experiencing such thing , and she ' d take my place . She is pretty similar to me when it comes to identity and likes and personality , EXCEPT she is a bit more isolated and quiet .

These two actually have a role that does something , which makes me a little bit more inclined to keep them . But , I think I ' d be way better off just gathering all the resources and memories from my alters and then destroying the plurality system and figuring out a BETTER and NEW mental construct . It would provide me more stability than having to pray and hope that none of the alters front at the wrong time , especially the harmful ones .

Now , let ' s jump into the harmful alters . Macks , is , the most destructive one in my opinion . He ruins friendships , commits a LOT of social suicide and literally only fronts to self - harm or to , just mess things up . He has actively destructed my numerous attempts at recovering and coping and has hurt me and a lot of people around me . I almost want to say Sean is less destructive , but he really isn ' t . He ' s just as destructive as Macks and does the same things as him , but he ' s , more self - inflicted with it . Elliot is an alter that I think doesn ' t even realize he ' s destructive . I think he ' s similar to me , where he can have mood swings and they can get really bad , due to these mood swings he ' s very vulnerable to having urges of self - harm and acting on it . He can ' t act right in public or even around friends , and he is just so wildly different from all the other alters with his personality and beliefs and just everything .

While I ' m not sure why Macks formed , I am aware Sean formed from trauma to do with grooming , while Elliot formed after I had lost , a really close friend of mine , or really , a whole social group of mine . And , it really stressed me out and it made me have a similar thought pattern as now . But instead of just destroying the plurality , me , or whoever was fronting , decided to start over . And I think the community I was starting to surround myself with and the stress that was still haunting me kind of caused this almost " meditation " to find my " true " inner - self , to form Elliot . I think through the meditation , I allowed the stress and environment to form him .

So , how do I stop that kind of thing from happening ? I definitely think some form of harm reduction is needed to be put in place to start us off on changing my mental structure . One that has been proven to be affective through my own experiences , is simply keeping track of who ' s fronting . It stops me from just letting myself forget and possibly slipping out of front while someone else takes charge of my body and my brain . Stress reduction is also a form of harm reduction in this case , and to reduce stress is to be aware of when you ' re stressed and to recognize what is making you stressed . And if you can avoid it , then that ' s the best option for right now . Coping skills is also a great way to reduce stress and to distract yourself in the moment . Age regression , which I mentioned earlier , is a coping skill ! Lot ' s of people do it and it can definitely help people . Some other coping skills I personally use ; journaling , drawing , praying , collecting or looking at and cleaning my collection , engaging in spiritual activities , and a couple more ! These work just fine for me , I just need to recognize when and how I can utilize them to maximize my recovery .

My next step is to figure out how to gather the resources and information from these alters . No matter if they ' re harmful or not , they have memories , information , and resources that could help me throughout my life , but I would never know because they ' re the only alter with that information . I need to get them to cooperate and somehow talk to them , meditation might be helpful for this BUT Elliot is obviously my warning that I need to be careful when I do that . While my meditation won ' t be as intense , as I will only be trying to communicate with the alters , I still need to keep my mental health in check and as up to par as I can . The cooperation may be the hardest part , as it does require them to listen and to agree to do this .

Now , if they do all agree , then i would have access to those memories and the information they know , I can use these as resources to help me in life ! Then , I would have to , I suppose , force them into dormancy . While that sounds bad , it ' s for the best for me and the body , I don ' t have a purpose for them anymore and I do strongly believe that it is keeping me from recovery and healing . I have a lot of other mental health issues as I ' ve discussed before , some are currently still developing or getting worse , while some I ' ve been having to deal with for a while . If I get the plurality out of the way , then that ' s one issue I have solved and don ' t have to deal with . And it gets rid of the dissociative barriers and will help me actually feel like myself . Which would really help me push through and figure out my other mental issues .

I won ' t lie , I did debate with myself whether or not I really should go through this , as I felt like finally writing down the purpose of my alters and what they do , gave me a reason not to . But it would be for the better if I got rid of them .

To recap ;

- I ' ll start off with recognizing daily stressors and avoiding them or coping with them using coping skills , showing my brain I do NOT need alters or switching to cope with stress .

- Then , I ' ll clean up my environment , both physically and virtually , and even mentally . So then I can figure out my best path and which environment helps me feel the safest and most like myself while also not adding to any possible additional stressors .

- I ' ll try to explore my taste when it comes to art and music , especially dabbling in music my alters liked , it will extend my taste in things while also checking for possible triggers that might make certain alters jump to front , but this time I ' ll be more in control and it ' ll be calculated .

- Then , meditation , I ' ll talk to each alter about my plans , concerns , and feelings and see if they ' d be willing to cooperate .

- If yes , then it should go somewhat smoothly , with co - sharing memories and information .

- If they say no , then I can try again later . Possibly let them look at how not being plural can actually help in the long run , and let them know that their purpose isn ' t needed . If they still say no , then persistence is key at that point .

This may take some time , which means I HAVE to stay focused on it , and also try my best to also help my mental health { and physical health { in general , so then I can adjust easier to not being plural and simply just being me .

if you read this all the way , thank you . : - ) it truly means a lot to me , even though this doesn ' t have much to do with the whole essay , I just wanted to say that I write to have people listen and to gain a new perspective even . While my writing may not be for everyone I do appreciate the few that may read them , you are truly the people I remember when I try to push myself to do something , and help me push through and want to continue being here and being present .

Thank you again for reading .

- Arlene Belle H .

5 ; 11 ; 25 —

Good morning ! While I never planned on making this a daily blog type of thing , I do apologize for my absence of this blog , but that doesn ' t mean I haven ' t stopped thinking about things to put here , or really stop thinking at all !

A thought came to me this morning , I ' d like to note that I ' m a firm believer of angel numbers and believe that in a way , it ' s god talking to me .

This morning , I had seen an angel number , ' 222 ' . It means alignment , you ' re in the right place at the right time . But I had another thought as well , disconnected to it . Earth ' s gravity is so strange , it ' s constantly pulling us in and never lets us leave , maybe we were never meant to leave it ?

Unsure if I said this in my last blog , but I do believe this is hell . I do believe earth is hell and we live in a fallen society , I don ' t look down on earth cause of this , in fact it makes me feel a bit more at ease because it means god really isn ' t watching nor does he care about any of us , so we could do whatever .

That doesn ' t mean I don ' t care about god , It just means we have a lot more free will than I think any of us really recognize .

But anyway , those two things earlier connected in my head . I had been thinking a lot about heaven , and wondering if I ' d ever be going back to heaven .

Now , I don ' t think the angel number was supposed to mean " you ' re stuck in hell for all eternity mwahahahaha ! ! ! "

But I do think it was reassuring me that I shouldn ' t worry about heaven right now and should live in the moment . Or that ' s just what I think anyways , god ' s signs and messages can be unclear at times . There is still a barrier between him and hell after all . .

Maybe that ' s why he came down to earth ? . . Um , I ' m not really sure . Nor do I want to just guess because it might make me panic more .

I had a lot more that I wanted to talk about , but I feel like those two things that ended up connecting kind of deterred me from really worrying about heaven , or at least letting it consume my thoughts .

I worry I am getting dependent on the idea that god can be such a loving being , I think it gives me too much hope and comfort . Even though that sounds silly , I don ' t think I should be depending so much on a being that I can barely talk to . I could pray and look for signs all day , and I don ' t think its bad to lean on god ' s shoulder every once in a while .

But I worry that my thoughts about religion get to an obsessive point .

But in a way , it dictates all of our morals and being doesn ' t it ? I had a thought a while back that I think politics dictating the way we live was stupid , but in a way , that ' s ? ? entirely what its meant to do . And I guess the same is with religion , it dictates your morals and your way of living .

My idea of religion may be completely different than any of you , it ' s scary to think about . But even when I have those thoughts , and I think the world is scary , I still have my lord and can just hope and pray that he actually likes me and doesn ' t despise my being .

I worry , a lot . Besides my religious endeavours , I ' ve been both doing good and , awful , honestly . I feel really gross in my body and have been worrying more about washing and cleaning but also at the same time being too anxious to even do anything .

But also , emotionally , and socially . I , feel fine ? ? I ' m not depressed because I can do things that I enjoy and actually enjoy them , and it ' s not like I ' m just sitting around all day .

But yet , I still am constantly suicidal , i obsess over every thought I have , my intrusive thoughts have been getting a lot worse ? I honestly can ' t tell if they ' re getting worse of just shifting , my number one concern right now is to disconnect from my vessel I think . I ' m worrying about too much of the societal pressure of having an identity that you did not choose and were born into , even though this is a fallen world and everything is set to where no one will truly succeed .

I guess to change the subject a bit , I think that 's why I have always enjoyed it when people allow themselves to have free will and to let their identities be whatever they want them to be , because in a way , I guess in a fallen world , they ' re letting themselves be authentic and break free from society . In a way .

On a happy note , emotionally I am good ! And I ' ve been trying to get closer to my friends , I enjoy talking to people and hanging out with them . I worry though , that sometimes my emotions and thoughts can switch really easily at a little mishap . But , I don ' t know . I ' ll have to figure something out to maybe cope with it .

Also on the happy note , I suppose ? It was a little sad at first when I thought about it but I do think I can turn it into a good thing , a couple months ago , I used to call myself a permalittle . In simple terms , you ' re mentally a kid , forever . And I think my brain just decided to have me re - remember the term and I realized I still associated with it . I think the age I ' m constantly at fluctuates though , I am not the only soul in this vessel so it makes it a little hard to rlly be at a constant mental age I guess . but like 4 ; 6 - 12 . . would be , my mental age . I think at my best , I constantly am mentally a 12 year old ? Whenever my mental health takes a downturn though I do usually regress , just to protect myself mentally I guess .

But bodily , I feel in tune with my true age .

I understand what events conspired to make me mentally a kid forever but , in a way its both a blessing and a curse ! But I just have to try and make the best of it I suppose , that ' s really all you can do with anything though . Just make the best out of everything .

It ' s very pretty outside , I love fall and the colder weather . It ' s especially sunny today ! I think I ' m gonna go take a walk .

Thank you for reading : - ) 

november 5th 2025 .

1 ; 11 ; 25 —

start of a new era . . :-) or i ' d like to think so .

i don ' t have that much to write about lol , i ' ve set up my new site and my guestbook , i just need to practice my art and set up my toyhouse . recently i ' ve been feeling a lot better recently . i hit what felt like rock bottom not so long ago , so it ' s nice to have what feels like a breath of fresh air .

i think most of it has to do with getting back into the swing of things , and also thinking about my beliefs and what i truly think , and actually putting them into practice .

i think it started with me praying every once in a while , i had an idea of who god was and who i was praying to , but it was still pretty shaky .

but i was struggling with my identity , i have been for years , and i felt lost . i prayed for something , a sign of anything . i was praying for some sort of name to cling onto and create an identity out of ,  ' since it would be god - given , then i would stick to it more . god himself gave me the name , why would i stray from it ? ' was my thought process , anyway .

but , i got , a sign ? maybe more of a vision , i don ' t think what it was really matters , but what it said . " 0990 " . .

recalling , i ' ve been praying for a name . i was so fucking confused , what does 0990 have to do with me and a name . it was a string of numbers .

i prayed again , and the next day . it came to me , or more of so , god gave me the info . so , let me compare it to something . you know how cattle have those tags on their ears to identify them individually ? in a way , thats what the string of numbers was . it was an identifier . it both makes sense and doesn ' t as to why that was god ' s answer for a god - given name , in a way , it was my name . when i was in heaven , but even the cattles given those tags had names . they wouldn ' t just leave the angels nameless , would they ? is having a name rather than an identifier such a human thing ? is identity a human thing ?

maybe in heaven they don ' t harp on it so much like humans do , i don ' t know .

but anyway , as an angel number , 0990 means , in a short , to spread the light inside you to others , and to be a gift to others . to essentially , be a service to others , in spiritual means or not . while i think it ' s a cute message and maybe i should listen to it , it makes me worry about what that truly means . who am i supposed to be a service to ? everyone ? if this is a fallen world , then whats the point in servicing them ?

if it means to spread the word , how ? i guess that would make more sense but would anyone listen ?

i always think about how this is hell , how there truly is no in between . i used to be scared i think , but after re - adjusting , it ' s not that bad . fallen or not , it doesn ' t make this world a bad place necessarily .

i think at most , what fallen means , from what i know at least , is that it ' s not up to god ' s standards . so like , rejects . it doesn ' t mean that we ' re full of sin and that god hates us or whatever . god just isn ' t watching us , i know that if you reach out to him , and seek him , he will talk to you .

little fun fact actually , some people are just born as fallen souls . not every one starts off in heaven lol . it ' s kind of where the idea of ' new souls ' and ' old souls ' come from . being a new soul just means you were born a fallen soul , old souls would be souls who were in heaven but had fallen for one reason or another .

again . . this doesn 't make those people bad or sinful or what not . . hell isn ' t a bad place , but if you do want to go to heaven , you can .

it ' s not like how much religions , or main stream religions any way , portray it . in heaven , or at least , the section of heaven i was in . any one could just do anything , they could do whatever they wanted , it was quite nice actually , maybe thats why i hate hell . maybe that ' s what makes hell , hell . its the regulations and rules , and not letting us just have animal instincts , even though , here , we are animals .

even with all i know , i don ' t know everything . i don ' t know a lot of things about heaven , or hell really . or even why i am a fallen angel in the first place , i can ' t even really think of why i was an angel .

i have an idea but , whether or not im just projecting my vessel ' s insecurities onto it . i don ' t know . i think to figure it out , i ' d need to disconnect from my vessel . i ' ve recognized this isn ' t my body , but i still stress out about it . i stress out about the people around me , how i act . but that wouldn ' t count as putting my beliefs into practice , so if i just stopped caring and started doing whatever i wanted to do , and not doing things that ' s rooted in insecurity . but anyway .

maybe if i at least explained why i think im an angel , then it wouldn ' t make me feel weird and like i ' m projecting . i could always just pray about it too . i think , he was my dad . if i had to guess based off of , just everything i know about me and just looking in the grand scheme of things . i ' d either have to assume my soul is not that old or i was somewhat coddled , it could be both and i could easily see it being both . but i feel unsure about it .

i think before my spiritual awakening , i think a lot of my life was directed by god , i think a lot of it was . conditioning ? like a lot of it reflected my life in heaven , or somehow reflected me spiritually . he was getting me used to all these topics and things so then when i started my spiritual awakening , then i wouldn ' t be so stressed out by it . it started at a pretty young age so i have to believe he wanted to make sure no one else to persuade me into thinking anything he wanted me to believe was ' wrong ' or ' crazy ' .

for a little short while , when i came back to my spiritual senses . not too long ago , i used to call myself a prophetic visionary fallen angel , which wasn ' t wrong honestly . that is what i am .

but it still sounds crazy to even say , but maybe i got too used to being human . . . i ' ll pray about it .

goodnight everyone ,

november 1st 2025 .