5 ; 11 ; 25 —

Good morning ! While I never planned on making this a daily blog type of thing , I do apologize for my absence of this blog , but that doesn ' t mean I haven ' t stopped thinking about things to put here , or really stop thinking at all !

A thought came to me this morning , I ' d like to note that I ' m a firm believer of angel numbers and believe that in a way , it ' s god talking to me .

This morning , I had seen an angel number , ' 222 ' . It means alignment , you ' re in the right place at the right time . But I had another thought as well , disconnected to it . Earth ' s gravity is so strange , it ' s constantly pulling us in and never lets us leave , maybe we were never meant to leave it ?

Unsure if I said this in my last blog , but I do believe this is hell . I do believe earth is hell and we live in a fallen society , I don ' t look down on earth cause of this , in fact it makes me feel a bit more at ease because it means god really isn ' t watching nor does he care about any of us , so we could do whatever .

That doesn ' t mean I don ' t care about god , It just means we have a lot more free will than I think any of us really recognize .

But anyway , those two things earlier connected in my head . I had been thinking a lot about heaven , and wondering if I ' d ever be going back to heaven .

Now , I don ' t think the angel number was supposed to mean " you ' re stuck in hell for all eternity mwahahahaha ! ! ! "

But I do think it was reassuring me that I shouldn ' t worry about heaven right now and should live in the moment . Or that ' s just what I think anyways , god ' s signs and messages can be unclear at times . There is still a barrier between him and hell after all . .

Maybe that ' s why he came down to earth ? . . Um , I ' m not really sure . Nor do I want to just guess because it might make me panic more .

I had a lot more that I wanted to talk about , but I feel like those two things that ended up connecting kind of deterred me from really worrying about heaven , or at least letting it consume my thoughts .

I worry I am getting dependent on the idea that god can be such a loving being , I think it gives me too much hope and comfort . Even though that sounds silly , I don ' t think I should be depending so much on a being that I can barely talk to . I could pray and look for signs all day , and I don ' t think its bad to lean on god ' s shoulder every once in a while .

But I worry that my thoughts about religion get to an obsessive point .

But in a way , it dictates all of our morals and being doesn ' t it ? I had a thought a while back that I think politics dictating the way we live was stupid , but in a way , that ' s ? ? entirely what its meant to do . And I guess the same is with religion , it dictates your morals and your way of living .

My idea of religion may be completely different than any of you , it ' s scary to think about . But even when I have those thoughts , and I think the world is scary , I still have my lord and can just hope and pray that he actually likes me and doesn ' t despise my being .

I worry , a lot . Besides my religious endeavours , I ' ve been both doing good and , awful , honestly . I feel really gross in my body and have been worrying more about washing and cleaning but also at the same time being too anxious to even do anything .

But also , emotionally , and socially . I , feel fine ? ? I ' m not depressed because I can do things that I enjoy and actually enjoy them , and it ' s not like I ' m just sitting around all day .

But yet , I still am constantly suicidal , i obsess over every thought I have , my intrusive thoughts have been getting a lot worse ? I honestly can ' t tell if they ' re getting worse of just shifting , my number one concern right now is to disconnect from my vessel I think . I ' m worrying about too much of the societal pressure of having an identity that you did not choose and were born into , even though this is a fallen world and everything is set to where no one will truly succeed .

I guess to change the subject a bit , I think that 's why I have always enjoyed it when people allow themselves to have free will and to let their identities be whatever they want them to be , because in a way , I guess in a fallen world , they ' re letting themselves be authentic and break free from society . In a way .

On a happy note , emotionally I am good ! And I ' ve been trying to get closer to my friends , I enjoy talking to people and hanging out with them . I worry though , that sometimes my emotions and thoughts can switch really easily at a little mishap . But , I don ' t know . I ' ll have to figure something out to maybe cope with it .

Also on the happy note , I suppose ? It was a little sad at first when I thought about it but I do think I can turn it into a good thing , a couple months ago , I used to call myself a permalittle . In simple terms , you ' re mentally a kid , forever . And I think my brain just decided to have me re - remember the term and I realized I still associated with it . I think the age I ' m constantly at fluctuates though , I am not the only soul in this vessel so it makes it a little hard to rlly be at a constant mental age I guess . but like 4 ; 6 - 12 . . would be , my mental age . I think at my best , I constantly am mentally a 12 year old ? Whenever my mental health takes a downturn though I do usually regress , just to protect myself mentally I guess .

But bodily , I feel in tune with my true age .

I understand what events conspired to make me mentally a kid forever but , in a way its both a blessing and a curse ! But I just have to try and make the best of it I suppose , that ' s really all you can do with anything though . Just make the best out of everything .

It ' s very pretty outside , I love fall and the colder weather . It ' s especially sunny today ! I think I ' m gonna go take a walk .

Thank you for reading : - ) 

november 5th 2025 .